Good from Bad
So.... A week in Egypt kitesurfing!!! Something I really never thought I'd be able to do again!! It just shows how if you put your mind to it you can achieve anything :)
The past few months have been really interesting. I've been quite reflective. I have been looking at how it felt back in the hospital and how lucky I am, but also how much good this tumour has actually done. Forget all the bad stuff, the symptoms and the down dayrs. This tumour made me stop and realise what I can get out of life!
It's miserable sometimes having the tumour don't get me wrong. But it's actually no worse than having diabetes or something similar which causes bad times. Of course I don't recommend brain surgery, but that bit's done now so it's all about management. Morris has made me be able to say NO alot more and to take time for myself. I am much more in tune with other people's needs and how sometimes you can't see what is wrong but it doesn't mean it's not there. I have given up trying to justify why I can't do something. Why I can't chat as much as I used to, why I can't work full time, why I can't see in the dark very well! I just accept that now that is just the way it is and other people have to accept it. You know what though? They do! They will turn the music down, or sit on the right side for you to be able to hear, or let you have a night off if you really can't face it. It was an eye opener when I realised that I was only struggling with my symptoms because of me!
I've had a lot of questions this past while from you guys and I love it. I love being able to help. It helps when someone gets it. You all amaze and inspire me. Those of you juggling a tumour, surgery and kids. Those that are getting back to being madly active post surgery.. zip wires, surfing etc :) I love it!
Those of you that are struggling with some facial weakness and still looking in the mirror and saying "I am amazing and beautiful". It's really great to hear your stories. They are all so different but the similarity is that this gives you a chance to look at what is important to you!
SYMPTOM ROUND UP! (15 months)
EYES: my eyes are generally really good. I still only have one set of tears. My right doesn't work. I get a lazy eye sometimes when i am tired and it makes things blurry. Wind is still a problem in the eye and causes it to get cold and then it gets number and then I can't see properly it goes a bit double again. (wear some glasses jude!!!)
NUMB FACE: I am lucky. My face has recovered so well. I have some weakness when I am really cold, mostly around my lower cheek and lips. I dribble a bit then and can't get my words out because my tongue and mouth are numb. Totally cold related. It tingles alot when I am tired. I know when I am having a "bad" day because my tongue gets very tingly and is sensitive to anything I put in my mouth.
HEARING: My hearing has had no change. Except that my good ear has taken up the job so well! I hear the one noise I am listening to really well. I still have no orientation and it doesn't help when lots of people are talking because I don't know who said what. That can be funny though! I find if I am in a noisy environment then I can't talk much becuase I miss the conversation and become the stupid person who says everything after everyone else! I get some clicking noises in the bad ear, like little jolts much like a twitchy eye and this is really annoying but hey!
TINNITUS: URGH!!! This is one of the worst symptoms. If I get upset about things it's always because I have this incessant ringing in my right ear. It gets louder as the environment does and I can ALWAYS hear it! Sometimes I'd just love some peace! I can't remember what it's like. It get's worse when I can't hear becuase it's noisy and then becuase I can't hear I know I won't be able to balance either. One or the other. Then I know I'll have a few days of really loud tinnitus from being fatigued. Vicious circle.
BALANCE: This is really good! You wouldn't notice I don't think. I veer right when I am tired or it's dark and I am tired. Again I just manage it. Walking with people when it's bad and staying off moving platforms because I can't get a reference! Equally still no upside down!!!! blurgh!!!
So there you have it... there is life after the surgery! I have just got a new job too. It's weird... last month I wasn't wanting to work too much. Feeling overwhelmed at the prospect and getting irrational about how much I have to do. I have this "vague" area in my head that makes me forget things still. This month... I am ready for the challenge! So I applied for a job... I even told them about Morris and they have honoured it and are taking me on for a really good post despite these issues. It's a real confidence boost and I feel like I am really getting back on that ladder having got sooo low. It's funny how you can map your progress over the year and see significant turning points. It's good. But just don't do anything unless you feel ready. I have tried and kept getting knocked back. It will happen. :)
Hope to hear from you