Stand on one leg with your eyes shut..how about no!?
Just one afternoon and it all changes!
The question went like this.. "Are you managing to be active Jude? Walking a bit every day?" HAHAHAH "um.....yes??!!." (been skiing this year!...or falling!)
Wow
I've just returned from Medway Maritime Hospital where I saw Dr Surenthiran and his physio Kay Simmonds. In one afternoon I have gone from feeling like I am creating symptoms and not "getting over all this", to finally realising that everything I feel is REAL and actually quite enough to contend with.. let alone the rest of life!
For a while I've been blogging about being fatigued and down and generally feeling like I can't handle things in the same way.This just creates a negative cycle of low self esteem and not really being that enthusiastic with life! I've been putting this down to either a) being too sensitive! or b) a product of surgery. Well.... seems I was half right! (not the sensitive bit!!)
Dr Surenthiran is a consultant in balance and tinnitus among other things and he has just taken the time to finally listen to whats going on and work out why. In fact I think it was fairly simple for him! BALANCE!
As he has explained it, our balance came first. It's what we had before any other signals and mechanisms. My balance has been tampered with and I only have half of it. My poor brain has not only been healing but now it's spending most of it's capacity on compensating for the balance defecits.That's it's priority. The good ear can't do it all and the eye isn't that great so the brain tries to work it all out itself. It works really hard.
Therefore if I introduce other things for my brain to do, like stress.. or concentrate, make long conversations, up and down emotion, try and remember things, go to busy places or watch fast moving activity, activate my short term memory etc then the compensation it's been working on for balance gets reduced and it works on the other issue and the balance will go. The compensation that was happening all goes back to the begining and I get wonky and tired and sore and have to adjust all over again.
Balance isn't natural for me anymore and that means that my body activates the fight or flight mechanism to protect itself and mood swings and anxiety increase because it's like panic. Concentration goes down because there is no spare capacity to help think. Work can be affected, and social life. If hearing is difficult then the brain has to work hard to decipher whats being listened to and balance goes again. All this up and down in the brain and variable free capacity and ability to just stay straight results in such a fatigue that starts the cycle all over again. Feeling tired, feeling useless, feeling boring, pushing too hard to prove you are normal, getting fatigued, poor balance, poor hearing and thats it.. BAM out for days!!
So HOOOORAH! IT IS ACTUALLY GOOD!!!!! finally it all makes sense! If I could balance and get that right then I could start using my brain for other things! Like remembering to reply to emails or texts and people's birthdays! Want to actually talk on the phone or stay out longer than an hour! Oh.. and plus stop looking like a drunk!
I really thought I was just not dealing with and getting past all this. I was tired of justifying my fatigue to people and bowing out of stuff. To be told that actually it's still ok a year and a half down the line is so reassuring. To be told it's ok to take it slower and it's ok to be empty headed! Your brain is working overtime just to stay upright. it's such a relief!!! Man.. i'm not surprised I now cry at come dine with me! I'm not a fruitcake!
So whats the solution!? Well... more physio to start. I wasn't expecting this.. but the doc got me seen by Kay his physio. She put me through my paces, span me round and tried to knock me over! Like a weeble...!! ;) It turns out I'm not actually as good as I thought! I'm actually quite unbalanced. I surprised me! I feel so uurrgh now though from turning my head a bit and trying to stand up with my eyes shut! I just tried to put the milk in the washing machine?! (That might be normal though!)
She's given me some great exercises and the priniciple is to convince my brain where the "wrong" point is. So if turning my head makes my vision blurry... stop at that point let it settle and start teaching your brain that that picture is wrong. I get to cheat for a bit and do all my exercises leaning against a wall i wasn't that good free standing!!!
I really thought I was past this point, but after today it's shown me how much I've been making it all seem better! Hence why I'm so flipping tired!!! MY BODY IS EXHAUSTED!!!!! it's real! I'M TAKING A BREAK! It's all way too hard the way it is. So it's time for a change! although there still be kiting! Why? Because it's the thing that keeps me knowing I'm still in there somewhere. My little bit of "well done me.. I shouldn't be able to do this and I did!!"
So for you... I have to say... NUMBER ONE... MAKE SURE YOU GET YOUR BALANCE BACK TO A GOOD LEVEL IF IT'S BEEN AFFECTED. It's the key to a better recovery and listen to your body. I've found it all so draining physically but recently also just so hard emotionally. If any of my chat makes the pennies drop for you then it's fully worth it, so just take it easy. PLEASE! :)