A dead budgie to boot!?
"People are like snowflakes... they are all different"
I heard this yesterday...and it made me smile! I was struggling to write this as I have been pretty unwell and I wasn't sure I should tell you, or I should give a bad message and maybe I was being dramatic.. but NO.
My journey is my journey. My journey is affected by the external influences around it, so is yours and for that reason you may not have the same issues or the same worries. We are all different. Like snowflakes!
I may be worried most about my lack of concentration, you might find its the tinnitus or the wonky face. Whatever gets you on whatever day.. it's ok. Like my consultant said.. "It isn't the worst thing to have, but it's a hell of a lot more than most people. Stop beating yourself up"
I've been really poorly. I think I've had the worst few months since my surgery. I got a bit scared to be honest. Why was it so bad? I turn over in bed and the room spins. I stay in because I can't focus, I have about three times the amount of pain that I used to have. Its all along the scar in my head and ear. I am dizzy alot of the time and I even took time off work because of Morris which Is something I've never done. I take so many painkillers these days and I've even upped the type of drug. Sadly they don't work! It's hard work! Being more wonky, so tired, being this sore and also feeling so sad.
Why do I feel sad...mostly because I begin to think I should be fixed. I feel like I'm not doing well enough. I get tired of letting people down because I am feeling unwell, not commiting to things and then having to explain it when they cant even see anything wrong. I have had to do a lot more resting. I have cut down on most of the activities I was doing. I kite less and I gym less. I sleep ALOT more!!
Don't let that scare you. It doesn't mean you are going to get worse when you hit this point. It sounds like I might have a post-craniotomy headache. I am hoping that the doc will prescirbe me something for this so that the pain goes and I can focus on other things. The tiredness and the imbalance comes from pain and fatigue. It's a big circle really. I am glad I told my doctor I was struggling because to hear from him that it's ok and I'm not making it up really helped.
One thing I have learnt is that stability in life during that hard period of your journey around surgery and recovery is imperative! So many of you have loving partners and kids and a support network happy to help you through and I urge you to let them in. Tell them the truth and show them how it is. If they don't know they can't help and you can't blame them for "not getting it" if you've hidden it! hahah I know I know... It's hard to show weakness... trust me... but it's not weak. It's just reality.
Why make yourself dizzy looking both ways trying to cross the road when you can just take the arm of someone!!! Let them help you, and try and keep things stable! If I had... I probably would be doing a bit better now!! 5 house moves, 3 different jobs, 3 new cars, a heap of other changes and a dead budgie to boot!...I'm exhausted. You might find you get stressed more easily, or more emotional and actually staying fairly stable in other things means you don't have to fight that too and get more tired. A dead budgie is a stressful thing!! haha
All I can say... MAKE TIME FOR YOU... BE A BIT SELFISH... BE HONEST and DONT EVER FEEL BAD.... THIS ISN'T SOMETHING SIMPLE AND EASY. IT'S A HUGE THING...AND PEOPLE HELP.
Finally...I met two people today. One was an old friend...and one was a new friend.
My old friend told me how lovely I was, how well I was doing and consoled me when I sobbed how bad I felt, how poorly, how different to the old me. He told me I was still me and that I just had a new story to tell and that none of the "old" friends will leave me just because I have funny side effects infact they are impressed.
The new friend... told me how well I was doing, how well I looked and how it's ok to be down and it's ok to be up. They inspired me. Who were they? One of you beautiful strangers that I have met through this site.
They had this tumour removed 7 years ago and I don't think they would mind me alluding to our meet. They look amasing. They have managed this tumour and life so very well.
What they made me see was this.... that No.. maybe I won't improve much more, but as I look at them and say... "so what.. you're tired, you have to sit on the right side of people to hear, you only cry out of one eye and you like to walk into stuff".... I think, You are even more of an amasing person to know because of it, you rock.... and fInally I see that's what people think for me too. All those things make me me now too.
They are good not bad. My new Jude qualities.
SO THANKYOU! :)