Morris..You work for me now Mr.
I ate a bowl of calamari the other day... and whilst it was SUPER tasty... they were whole mini squid.. and all I could think about was how I was eating their brains... and maybe I would be able to replace the void in my head!!!! Im not sure it worked..!!!
So.. another 6 months. WOW! I remember the time I didn't think I'd get past february. How quickly has it all gone!
So much has happened. So many things have changed. I've experienced so much.
It's funny because I talk to people and they ask about me and it turns out that I did quite a few things before I got sick. I travelled, I did aid work, I kept bees, I got a pilots licence... all these random things...And the one thing I always say is "I'm so glad because I can't do it quite the same any more!" Obviously my body knew I had to get some things in.
So whats happened in 6months..
BALANCING and BOUNDARIES!!: Well... I went to recouperate in the mountains at New Year following my hip surgery... wow...some challenge!! Walking on crutches on snow and ice where the visibility is moving with snow! Brilliant! I only 'almost' fell once so that was pretty good! I like to challenge myself you know!! (And watch the others skiing all the time...not!!! hah!) It was fun though and of course pushing all my boundaries again!!!
I've had intense physio for that hip and the by product of that...is that I can now stand on one leg!!!
HOORAH HOOOOORAH HOOOOOOORAH!!!
However whilst it was achieved by the help of my evil task master of a hip physio. Id like to say how much I didn't enjoy her not only working my weak leg but she also made me do it with my bad eye covered and then my good eye covered, and had me squatting and jumping on one leg, all in the name of "case studies for the future on those that can't balance with lower limb injuries!!!" (It's a good job shes a good friend! cos I just saw "let's work you really really really hard!!") I can't yet do it and move my head yet.. and I absolutely can't run in circles.. or get involved in circle movements at all but ONE LEG!!!!!! Hooorah! Improvement! :)
Back at neuro physio however.. she likes to see me turn my head and isn't blinded by the one leg thing but instead wants more!!!! So It's back to seated head turning... focus on something.. turn your head left and right keeping it in focus... WHAT!!! It just goes blurry so this could take some time!! But if it's like the other physio.. it will work so here goes!!!
TINNITUS: I get alot of questions from people about tinnitus... it's so annoying isn't it! There isnt much I've found you can do but accept it's there I'm afraid.. I have found two little clips that you might find useful to show anyone else... They might not be your noise but both are totally apt for mine!
These guys might be useful to you too.. theres loads of research on here and forums. www.tinnitustalk.com
REFLECTION: Sometimes you can spend alot of time looking at the things that aren't right... but are they really wrong? They make YOU now...? They are just new. I am the worst for thinking "I was different" but actually.. now I am just me version 2 and I am trying really hard to be happy with what I have!
Ive had alot of things change since I had this tumour diagnosed and theres been a rather lion's share of hard and heavy things to deal with.. but I am working through them! I have some awesome memories alongside the hard bits and I have some SUPER friends and I couldn't do it without them.
The one thing that has made a huge difference is a SAFE BASE. I would never have believed it, but having a home.. somewhere where you can finally put all the juggling balls down to rest and know that they won't be moved unless you move them is incredible. I have just bought a house with help and to know that I can't have this taken away from me like all the other things is so important. I know now that I can always find my place where I belong. Where I can let Morris totally hang out and be ugly!! Then reel him in and carry on. Unless you suffer from something that you try to control, anything.. then this won't make much sense... but the rest of you will get that! It's so important!
Looking back at my Morris experience generally makes me want to cry. It's a weird sensation. Not because I'm sad.. but it's been so emotional!! I have a sick friend. He's such a super person, was before he got sick and is now too! I saw him the other day and watching him express himself I felt really blessed that I was there as his friend and that I had this experience in my history so that I could try to understand some of his feelings to share that trapped feeling. I know what that's like.
He was so humble and admist feeling so rotten, he could compliment me and in a roundabout way he said how I was able to communicate to people who were sick... and do you know what I took from that? Firstly.. I'm glad seeing him was good for him too, but also that (thankyou for showing me!) I made Morris work for me. :) I achieved it!! GOING FORWARD: So.. what's next? Well... I have just bought out the .com of myacousticneuroma.. so expect to see a revamp soon.. It's a big job but lets hope it becomes much more interactive. Any ideas please email or message me... I was recently very kindly gifted a book. "Shrinking the Smirch" by Jo Johnson. I am working through it at the moment.. from the offset it looks really interesting and challenges you to think about your monster whatever it may be. Tumour, disease, mental health issue. It's a workbook so wouldn't suit some, but it looks like it's worth sticking with. I'll give you a review next time :) A little secret then... want to know one?! For the first time in 3 years I have started thinking I want to do aid work again... That is such an awesome realisation! It was all I wanted to do. I have to try and find the right project.. one that won't drain me and render me more of a hinderence to them... but I will get back to it! So pleased I found it again.
FINALLY: This month saw me win a national award for my work on infection control at our hospital... this is a HUGE achievement for me and has given me such a secret boost. I won from 31 hospitals and 9 other nominees :)
To be recongised for my work when I get so vague, tired and forgetful is so amasing. It shows that I am hiding it and getting on ok! To win an award is incredible but to win it whilst fighting my tumour side effects that the judges don't know about makes me even happier! Am I allowed to say "Well done me!?" hahah Take care... nice to be able to brain splurge at you!! Judes x