​Introducing Morris 

THURSDAY  

 

    Tossing and turning that night, I had given myself the most serious of outcomes for this. I have to say it really did help in the long term because by the time I got to the consultant I was pleasantly suprised I'd made it so serious that any outcome was a relief after that. Not altogether, but it certainly helped!! Not advised.. but a humorous twist!

 

Unfortunately my appointment for the friday was cancelled (on thurs) The snow had closed the hospital. The receptionist told me that I would have to wait until monday to rebook. All I could do was agree, smile and get off the phone!! There followed another bout of Morris tears! I can't wait until Monday, I can't go through the weekend keeping this a secret and being ok. I can't do this, why did this have to happen? Rewind please.

 

Now I imagine some of you are being really strong and just saying "ah well. It is what is it." I was there too, but these bouts of fear and confusion seem to hit you like a rock and I 'm the last person to let it get to me but it did, and all I could do was ride the emotional storm and then carry on again! It's very  normal to want to be strong and ignore or deny this. It's not the worst thing you could ever have wrong with you no, that's irrelevant because at this point in time it is, its yours and it's in your head and you need to know more. Any emotion is acceptable!

 

So, after crying this all out  I very calmly rang the receptionist back to explain that I'd been given some bad news and I couldn't really wait to talk to the doc. She asked my name and looked at her screen and said "oh yes I can see you have" !!!! After getting no further with an appointment  I once again freaked out after this phonecall thinking, what would  a secretary see on my notes so bad that she would understand?? The doctor must have  kept it from me, it must be really serious.

 

Having become quite calm over the last 24 hours this threw me right back, and now I didn't even have an appointment to go to!

Well thursday came and went and Morris reared his ugly head of emotion time and again. I got used to spontaneous bouts of shock tears and questions. I was lucky that Rosalynn was on hand to just sit and listen or tell me to be quiet or to give me a hug or a glass of wine! I was glad she knew. You do need someone.